Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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