Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
