The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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