he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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