put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we made out on top of his cat.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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