HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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