The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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