thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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