they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
