the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
