I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
