We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
