Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
