Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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