It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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