You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
