Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
