A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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