He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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