end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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