Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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