So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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