you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
