a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
