Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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