Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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