so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It's shark week go big or go home
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
