if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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