I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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