His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
