I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
