how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
