the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
