Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
