im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
