She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
