Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
