I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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