my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
