These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
