Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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