I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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