My first STD was from a foam party
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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