Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
