I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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