Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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