Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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