Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
