She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
