I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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