I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
