I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
